"Each of our inner lives is such a jungle of thoughts, feelings, fantasies and impulses that civilization would be impossible if we expressed them all, or if we could all read each other's minds."

- Thomas Nagel, Professor of Philosophy and Law at New York University - London Times Literary Supplement

Amy - An attractive and proper young woman. 

Michael - A good-looking and proper young man.

Amy's id - An attractive, lust-filled, young woman.

Michael's id - A good-looking, lust-filled, young man.

A table and four chairs inside a cafe. A young woman is sitting at the table sipping coffee and reading a book.

A man enters the stage with a tray holding coffee and lunch. He looks around, searching unsuccessfully for a chair. He sees the woman and approaches her table.

Excuse me.

Yes?

The cafe is full. I was wondering if I might...

Of course.

Thank you.

(As he sits down, the second man (MICHAEL'S id) and second woman (AMY'S id) enter from off stage)

(The woman sits next to but slightly behind Amy. The man sits beside but slightly behind Michael. The id's do not eat)

(Michael's id stares at Amy. Amy's id stares at Michael. The ids never look at each other)

(Amy returns to reading her book while Michael picks up his fork and takes a bite of food)

 

Oh, God, he's cute.

Jesus, what a doll.

I hope he's not gay.

And look at the size of those kaboobs.

Excuse me.

Yes?

I would consider it a personal favor if you would disrobe and allow my lips to explore every inch of your beautiful, curvaceous body.

Could you pass the salt?

Jesus, you are so unbelievably cute! How about making a pass at me instead?

Certainly.

Oops! Sorry.

He looks like he never had a parking ticket in his life. I wonder if he's a virgin.

That's quite all right. But I forgot.

Her lips are so perfect!

Forgot what?

Maybe she's had collagen injections.

I hope he doesn't mean he forget how to do the nasty.

Which shoulder do I throw salt over?..For good luck I mean?

Oh. Is that the custom when salt spills?

Not my custom, honey. My custom is to pour it all over your gorgeous creamy white succulent body and slooooowly lick it off.

I believe so.

Every last minute grain from every last minute crevice. (gestures with his tongue) And then it's time for...the pepper!

The right one, I imagine.

Mother did warn me that behind every well-pressed tuxedo is an undressed libido. But he seems normal enough.

What is it the Chinese used to call the entrance to the vagina?

Not like the last loser who sat here. Nothing on his mind but sex.

Oh, yeah, the 'jade gate.'

I mean, if you're right-handed.

I am. OK. The right shoulder it is.

Is this guy going to make a play for me or just screw around with the salt? I shouldn't complain; at least he doesn't seem the pervert type.

How about we go to my place and I use my tongue to flick open your jade gate, burrow my way up your passion chamber and not stop until I reach your fallopian tubes?

Then again, you can't tell with guys these days. He could be into latex and leather.

Then I'll wrap my tongue around those gorgeous fallopian tubes, hold on for dear life, and use them as a chin-up bar to pull myself up and in. Into that area the Chinese call "the grotto of the white tiger." (Actor growls tiger-like)

These onion rings are delicious. Help yourself.

Chains and straps and whips and nipple rings.

In and out on the chin-up bar. In and out. Three sets of four repetitions.

Thank you; I've just eaten.

Nooses and paddles and handcuffs and leashes.

Or maybe four sets of three repetitions.

Well, maybe just one.

Kinky psychodrama and sexual perversions.

And when I finish exercising - surrounded by your sweet, copious nectar - I shall place my lips at one end of those magnificent fallopian tubes and bloooow gently into them.

Great! Too many here for me to finish.

Bondage and crossdressing and sadism and masochism.

I bet it would make a deep, bass, reverberant sound like one of those really long Tibetan horns. (The actor imitates the sound) BluuuuuuuuuuuuuP!

Thank you. One will do. But they are good.

In fact, for all I know, he might be wearing women's panties right now.

Best onion rings in the East Village.

Or maybe it would sound more like the mournful fog horns Eugene O'Neill used to hear on the Thames River in New London, Connecticut. (The actor imitates the sound) BrrrrrrrrrrP!

(giggles) I bet he'd look cute in lacy red panties and a boner.

Oh, sorry. Just something I was reading.

Fallopia, Fallopia, wherefore art thou, fair Fallopia?

His face is so boyish. He almost looks like- Oh, God, how do I know he hasn't had a sex change?

I suppose if I make a play for her she'll turn me down and if I don't she'll assume I'm a homosexual. Men can't win these days whatever we do. She's probably the type of neurotic who takes out all her frustrations in life on the guy who dares light up a cigarette within one hundred yards of her precious lungs. Or the type who sits around babbling about: (actor overacts the following three words) ReLAtionships! ComMITment! CommuniCAtion!

RELATIONSHIPS! COMMITMENT! COMMUNICATION! The mantra of the new American religion! Or maybe it's the religion itself! Talk about the dumbing down of America!

Did it ever occur to you that the more someone babbles about RE-LA!-TION-SHIPS the less they know about them?!...And did it ever occur to you that all those self-help books that you no doubt spend hours pouring over are a lot of narcissistic bullshit?! Did it?!...Women are from Hunan; men are from Szech'uan--who WRITES that shit?! And when you sit around with your health Nazi friends babbling about RE-LA!TION-SHIPS and how men JUST DON'T GET IT you think you're being sensitive and perceptive, don't you?! Well, you're not! You're being self-centered, self-indulgent, self-absorbed, self-pitying and BOOOOOOOOOORING!!!

I suppose if I suggest we meet again he'll think I'm a brazen slut and if I don't he'll think I'm a lesbian. Women can't win these days whatever we do. He's probably the type of man who sits around with his beer-guzzling buddies watching some stupid baseball game babbling about which jock has the most runs batted in during a seven-point-one-on-the-Richter-scale earthquake; or best earned run average during a solar eclipse or some such pathetic garbage. Probably the type of idiot who actually BELIEVES baseball is a metaphor for America. Talk about the dumbing down of America!

Well, let me tell you something, dudball: Men with real lives don't have to live vicariously through goddamn sports! 'Don't do drugs; do sports.' Oh, yeah? Well, did it ever occur to you that for most men watching sports IS a drug?! Did it ever occur to you that the average man who worships sports heroes has an IQ just below the level of a dying breadfruit tree?! And what about doing LIBRARIES instead?! Do you ever READ?! Or do you just waste your life watching overpaid, oversexed half-boy, half-man jocks kick big white balls into nets or hit little white balls into man-made gopher holes in an otherwise perfectly green lawn?

'Duh, I know we're up against a really good team but coach says if we practice hard and if we really believe we can do it, we can do it. So me and da rest 'a da guys had a meetin' and we decided we is gonna go in dere and win one for da gipper! Duuuuuuuh!

News flash, Numbnuts: You men...are all...MOOOOOOOOOOORONS!

'Advanced Techniques in Installing Computer hardware.' Wow! You must really be into computers.

It's my major. I love computers. They're my hobby as well, I guess.

That's great. I'm impressed.

I wonder if she surfs porn on the web?

And your major?

It wouldn't surprise me if the little hussy is a porn star.

Chinese language studies.

Wow! Now I'm impressed.

Oh, no! Not one of those guys who hungers after Oriental women. Maybe he just sees me as a change-of-pace.

She's impressed! All right, now's the time to follow up with some cryptic Chinese quotation. How about, 'Where there is no wind, the grass does not move.' But what the hell does it mean?

Anyway, I should say something intelligent to impress him. Let's see: Hong Kong went back to China, right? Or was it the other way around?

Do you have hobbies, too?

You mean, other than mentally undressing ravishing wenches like yourself? Well-

No, not really. I guess my major is my hobby as well. I mean, there are about one point three billion Chinese in the world, so I thought it would be nice to be able to communicate with them in their own language.

Not to mention having an edge in seducing innocent Chinese women in remote villages with no experience in dealing with horny, oversexed Western men from big cities.

Actually, I saw some of them on campus already.

Excuse me?

Chinese.

Oh. Yes, I see.

Oh God, did I really say something so stupid?!

Well, I've seen a few of them on campus, too.

Them?

Computers!

Oh! Yes, of course.

Jesus Christ, did I really say something so stupid?!

So much porn on the web these days.

You should know!

I know. It's a shame. Computers can be such wonderful tools.

Right you are, child, so how about I use my overheated web-browser to explore your underused web-site?

People have to find a way to protect their kids, don't you think?

People have to find a way to protect themselves from having kids, don't you think, Dudball?

Yes. As long as it doesn't smack of censorship.

How about we cut to the chase and you put those collagen-filled lips to good use by configuring my toolbar?

Exactly.

Because a lot of people use their kids' vulnerability as an excuse to censor what they themselves don't like.

I couldn't agree more.

How about I download my harddrive and we let the Pentium chips fall where they may? (chuckles)

You're not funny!

Did you say something to me?!

Yes! I said you're not funny! You're disgusting!

Are you crazy?! We're not supposed to address each other. We don't know each other! We can never know each other! That's the whole point!

I don't care! You are crude as hell and I hope she sees the real you.

You?! Are calling me crude?! What about you?!

What about me?

You want it as much as I do. So stop being a hypocritical bitch.

What did you call me?!

You heard me! You want it as much as I do.

(AMY'S id attacks MICHAEL'S id. They begin grappling on their knees at the end of the table in front of the audience)

(Although they are using all their strength, they move about very little as they are quite evenly matched)

(They might bump the table, even knocking something over, but AMY and MICHAEL notice nothing of this desperate struggle)

 

Listen to me, will you!? There's nothing wrong with us wanting sex all the time!

There isn't?

No! We're not egos or superegos; we're id's, for God sakes! Having lust-filled sexual fantasies is what we were made for!

It is?

Yes! Desire, lust, eroticism, sensuality, carnality, debauchery, lechery, lubricity: all the things that make life worth living! And that's not only what we're made for. That's what we're made of. Don't you know the Chinese master Tung-Hsuan spoke of nine ways of moving the jade stalk and six ways of penetration?

The jade stalk?

Yes, sweetheart. As in 'pushing the jade stalk down and letting it move to and fro over the lute strings like a saw.'

Wow! And what about the six ways of penetration?

Well, for example, 'wailing monkey embracing a tree,' 'phoenix sporting in the cinnabar crevice,' 'donkeys in the third moon of spring-'

Oh, wow. You are so romantic!

Thank you, doll. I try to be.

So...it's not wrong for us to be dominated by the pleasure principle and to fantasize bizarre sexual encounters and to want to screw our brains out every second of every day?

Of course not. It's why we're here. Michael and Amy couldn't function the way they do unless we function the way we do!

Well, I think I'd better get back.

What?!

Now?!

It's been nice talking with you.

Yes. I've enjoyed it.

Just once I wish they would say what they mean!

I suppose they can't escape what they are anymore than we can escape what we are.

Yes, but just think how boring they would be without us.

Just think how much fun we could have without them.

I'll never forget you, you luscious, voluptuous, erotic creature.

Nor I you, you well-hung sexual fantasy.

Um...

Yes?

Um...have a nice day.

Thank you. And you.

I swear I can't take another day like this!