The Dominatrix Theory of the Universe



Monologue for an actress:  A tough female dominatrix in her dom gear



My name is Mistress Barbarous.  I invited you here to my dungeon tonight to share an important theory with you: The Dominatrix Theory of the Universe.  (cracks whip) The thing is I’ve got a cross-dressing submissive tied to the Catherine Wheel in the back room so I haven’t got a lot of time and I won’t be repeating myself so listen up:  You’ve all heard the theories of Carl Sagan and that guy in the wheelchair.  Well, truth to tell, they got some of it right but usually got the causes wrong.  So allow me to enlighten you.  In the beginning there was only a woman known as Mistress the First Dom.  It was when she cracked her whip (cracks her whip) that our universe was born.  This is what we refer to as “the Big Bang.”  Trillions of atoms and dust molecules flew off her whip and populated the universe with what evolved into planets and stars.  Now you should understand one thing very clearly:  There is no such thing as gravity.  The planets and stars all stay where they are because Mistress the First Dom ordered them to.  She said “You no fucking move!”  So of course they obeyed her and relative to one another they stay where they are.  But because they are afraid of her they constantly, unobtrusively, attempt to get out of range of her whip.  And that is why the universe is expanding. 

(To audience member who is laughing or whatever)

You got a problem?!...I didn’t think so.  I got another Catherine Wheel unoccupied so watch yourself buster!...


(resumes her talk)


Also, whenever Mistress the First Dom cracks her whip a new universe is born, hence the multi-universe theory is correct. 

(looks at guy in the audience near her)

Hey, don’t I know you?  You’re the guy who’s into public humiliation and foot fetish, right?...Well, not to worry, honey, you’re secret is safe with me.   


(back to audience)


Now I know what you’re thinking: What about black holes?  Well, contrary to Sagan and the guy in the wheelchair, black holes are actually punishment                                                                                                                  

rooms for stars and planets that have been very, very bad and need AA.  For those of you who don’t know, or like my friend here

(touches audience member with whip)


are pretending not to know, that means Attitude Adjustment.  Believe me, unless you are a masochist who loves getting spanked and whipped while dressed like a circus clown

(points to nearby audience member)

you do not want that!      

(looks menacingly over the audience)


Now you are probably wondering how and when it will end.  Well, according to Mistress the First Dom, it has a lot to do with CheckInn99.  Yeah, that is right!  You see-  (doorbell rings)  Who the hell is that? 


(to audience member)

You got the time, sweetie?...Thank you.  Hey, you are cute!  Would you like a free                                                                    

hour-long session with Mistress Barbarous?   (doorbell rings again) I don’t have any appointment right now!  So who the hell is at the door?!  (doorbell rings again) 


(Mistress Barbarous angrily storms over and unlocks make-believe lock and opens a make-believe door)


Mistress Barbarous   (cont)

What the hell do you want?..What?..Mystic Bar & Bowling?  Hey!  Look around - does this look like a goddamn bowling alley to you?..It’s a house of domination!... Yeah, it is an apartment, my apartment.  But I am a dominatrix.  See, black leather outfit, stiletto-heel boots, leather whip, bad attitude.  You see?..What sign?.. 


(She takes a step out onto the stoop and turns to look)


No, it does not say ‘Mystic Bar & Bowling,’ it says Mistress Barbarous…Yeah, that’s it, change your glasses...Well, good!  Now you know.  I hope you see better than that when you roll a ball down an alley!..Yeah?  Great.  But I got a paying customer tied up in the back so if you don’t mind, I gotta get back to work...Do I want to what!  Do I want to go bowling with you?  Honey, I haven’t bowled in fifteen years!..You’ll pay for both of us?  Hey, that’s very sweet, honey, like a date, huh?  But listen: go down the steps, take a left, go left at the corner, and the bowling alley is halfway down the block…Sure, don’t mention it.          


(Starts to shut the door)


Do I want to go bowling? I haven’t bowled…


(shakes her head but her mood changes)


Since the night of the prom…                                                                                                            


(hesitates for several seconds; reopens the door)                                                                                                                


Hey!  Hey!  Bring your ass back here.  Yeah, c’mere!..You’ll have to wait till I change my clothes and release my sub.  And I want a handicap.  



Copyright 2015 Dean Barrett

No part of this play may be performed or published without written permission from the playwright