THE CONSPIRATORS

THE CONSPIRATORS

CAST

Paul – A very casually dressed young man in his late 20’s, introverted and unshaven

Tracy – A young woman in her mid- to late 20’s, a bit spacey but she has brains

Mike – A young, well-dressed, man in his mid- to late 20’s

A rather shabby kitchen in New York’s East Village.

As the curtain opens, Paul’s face appears in the hallway. HE peers around the corner. HE moves out a bit more and we see that HE is holding a spray container the way police do when entering apartments with guns drawn, up near his face, left hand on right wrist. HE suddenly darts from one side of the doorway to the other then, after a pause, darts into the kitchen, and uses the refrigerator for concealment (from a large plant). HE steals a quick glance then speaks softly but urgently, as if to others, although, in fact, there are no others.)

PAUL

Clear!

(He then darts to a spot beside a shelf and pauses there to glance in the direction of the plant. At some point in this darting about, the audience sees that PAUL has taped a sign on the back of his shirt. In large black magic marker letters it reads: DEA)

PAUL

Clear!

(PAUL rushes toward the kitchen table, and crouches below the level of the table top. HE pauses a few seconds then suddenly jumps up and points the spray container at the plant with both hands.)

PAUL (shouting)

DEA! Search warrant! Get down on the floor! Get down on the floor! Keep your hands where I can see them! Show me your hands! Show me your hands!...OK, Show me your leaves! Get down on the floor!

(PAUL quickly blasts the plant several times. He relaxes and looks it over)

PAUL

Next time, Monsieur Le Plant, you’ll think twice before mouthing off to a DEA agent! And, worse yet, looking with fondness upon the woman I love.

(The (landline) phone rings and Paul answers it.)

PAUL

East Village Camel Company. Arabian One Hump, Bactrian Two Hump, and a very rare Alphabet City Three Hump. The sale is on now, but-

PAUL (cont)

Who? Mike...Tracy?…Not here right now. I do expect her soon though…Sure, you can drop off roses for her, Mike. And if she’s not here I’ll make sure she gets them…Hey, no problem…I’ll be pleased to make your acquaintance also.

(Paul hangs up the phone and sits at the cluttered kitchen table)

PAUL (cont)

No problem, my ass. He’s after the girl I love! He’ll be pleased to make my acquaintance? Who the hell talks like that in the East Village? And who brings roses to somebody they just met? Couldn’t be a New Yorker. Probably from New England. Some goofy state like Massachusetts. (looks to the plant) Be happy, Monsieur Le Plant, you’re just a potted plant; a brainless, botanic baboon, a vapid vegetative carbon dioxide-sucking dickhead without hopes and dreams and lusts and erections. All you need is water and light and dirt. Well, hear this: I plan on taking Tracy out tonight and to convince her I am the man for her; so Mike the Muddleheaded Moron will have to be dealt with. One way or the other.

(The front door opens and TRACY MILLER enters the kitchen carrying grocery bags. SHE puts them down on the table. Paul hurriedly rips off his DEA sign and throws it away)

TRACY

Hi, Paul. Would you like to hear something fantastic?

PAUL

(abruptly lightening up his mood)

You've decided to go to bed with me?

TRACY

That fortune-teller on St. Mark's Place says I've got one fire triplicity, one water triplicity, eight air triplicities and no earth triplicities!

PAUL

Which is as clear as mud triplicity.

(TRACY begins unpacking the grocery bags and putting items away)

TRACY

Eight air and no earth; that means I don't have my feet on the ground. I'm other-worldly and impractical.

PAUL

Spaced out, you might say. Why do you think I call you 'Spacey Tracy'?

(TRACY pauses to study her chart)

TRACY

And one fixed quadruplicity, seven cardinal quadruplicities, and two mutables.

PAUL

My God! Anything but two mutables.

TRACY

Wow! What do you think?

PAUL

I think you'd gain at least one earth triplicity if you went to bed with me.

TRACY

Oh, come on, Paul. When we agreed to share the rent we agreed you and I are good friends, nothing more. Remember?

PAUL

That was before I found out you have one fixed quadruplicity, seven cardinal quadruplicities, and two mutables. Now my mind is fixed on the cardinal sin of nibbling your two mutables.

T RACY (cont)

I think I'd better check this chart with a fortune-teller in the West Village.

PAUL

That's the spirit; don't agree to an operation until you've checked with another expert in the field. In any case, as you'll find out some day, it's mainly duplicity in life that can hurt you; no amount of quadruplicity ever hurt a fly.

(As Tracy puts groceries away, Paul picks up a newspaper and reads)

TRACY

You wouldn’t believe: a really handsome hunk came into the bookstore today and chatted me up. He was so cute! And he asked for my phone number.

PAUL

Really? But you knew better than to give a complete stranger your phone number, right?

TRACY

Well, I figured he’s OK because he said he was an actor. And he’s done lots of Shakespeare.

PAUL

Oh, sure, couldn’t go wrong there…Um, is he a New Yorker?

TRACY

No, he’s only been in town a few weeks.

PAUL

Oh, really? And where is he from?

TRACY

Boston.

(Paul gives the audience an “I told you so” look. He the looks at Tracy and gestures as if to say what is wrong with you.)

TRACY

And if I thought for one moment that anyone was making any kind of obscene gesture in my direction, that person could lose his arm.

(PAUL quickly brings his arms down)

PAUL

I hate women with eyes in the back of their heads.

TRACY

Knowing you as I do, I doubt you'd mind if a woman had eyes on her breasts.

PAUL

...Oh! So that’s why some women wear see-through bras! Anyway, how do you know this guy isn’t a criminal on the run or a mugger or-

TRACY

Well, I never saw him before so he's not a regular East Village mugger.

PAUL

So? He could be an understudy who, no, no, apprentice muggers never substitute for senior muggers unless a specific announcement for the appearance is made at the time of the mugging. He didn't make any announcement, did he?

TRACY

Paul, could you be quiet for five minutes?

PAUL

(thinking over this request)

Honestly?

TRACY

Never mind. I should never ask you to do the impossible. God, the bookstore was so busy I didn’t even have time to read any of the paper. So if you must talk tell me what is new in the world.

PAUL

News that is guaranteed to shock your socks off, that’s what’s new: there's a report about a Black Hole swallowing stars in a nearby galaxy heading in our direction and licking its chops. Any day now that insatiably hungry little mother-fucker is going to have a midnight snack of East Village apartments.

TRACY

Worry about the here and now for once, could you, Paul?

PAUL

All right. Closer to home we find that nearly fifteen thousand New Yorkers were bitten last year by dogs, cats, goats, rats, raccoons, opossums, parrots, turtles, crabs, a sea lion, a goose and a lion fish. Almost the same number were bitten by other New Yorkers! And six were sexual bites! Love bites that went too far...Now that's a frightening piece of news.

(PAUL puts down the paper and watches TRACY as she cleans up)

PAUL

(cont)

Let's get it on before the world ends. What do you say?

TRACY

Paul, please!

PAUL

Tracy, we've got a black hole about to suck us up! It's in the next galaxy, for Christ's sake! There's not a millennium to lose. (He kneels near her feet) It's in the next galaxy!

TRACY

(pushing him over)

Sometimes, Paul, I wish you were.

(PAUL lowers his head into his arms in abject defeat, sighs and rises)

PAUL

All right, sweet maiden, if you prefer the embrace of the black hole to mine so be it! But you came just in time to help me grapple with a problem.

TRACY

Shoot.

PAUL

(sitting again at the table and picking up his notations)

There's an on-line article that's terrified me. It says that for every percentage point that unemployment rises, the suicide rate rises 4.1 per cent.

TRACY

Yes, and?

PAUL

And so I calculated that if for every percentage point unemployment rises, the suicide rate rises 4.1 per cent, then that means when the unemployment rate rises to just a fraction over 24 per cent - there won't be any more Americans! Have you any thoughts on that?

TRACY

Yes. Don't look now but I'll bet you don't have many earth triplicities either.

PAUL

That's it! I'm off balance...behind this most pleasant, amiable, outgoing personality might lurk a...serial killer! Well, no, not really, not in this heat. Any serial killer operates in this heat has gotta be nuts!

TRACY

Well, you certainly qualify there.

PAUL

Seriously, now, I got a problem you can help me grapple with. See, there's an article in today's paper that's terrified me. It says-

TRACY

Paul, if-

PAUL

It says that last year there were 52 leading hotels in New York City with 13,400 rooms. This year there are only 51 hotels but with 13,412 rooms. That's an increase of 12 rooms, despite the loss of one hotel. Which must mean somebody added on a few more rooms.

TRACY

I don't see your point.

PAUL

The point, my succulent suffragette, is, if we assume this trend continues, that means that by the year 2030, New York City will have 14,086 rooms – but no hotels. Have you any thoughts on that?

TRACY

Call the mayor. Anyway, if you are really taking me out to dinner tonight, I have to get ready. Try to behave while I’m gone.

PAUL

Yes, loveliest of women, fairest of the fair, she whose very aura defies description, apple of my eye…banana of my breath…grape of my groin-

(TRACY enters her bedroom and closes the door. PAUL rises, walks to the plant and speaks with a French accent)

PAUL

(cont)

Monsieur! Yes, you! Monsieur Le Plant! You think I did not see you smiling upon the woman I love? You wish to offer an apology for your atrocious behavior? Non? Very well, monsieur, if it is a duel you wish, it is a duel you shall have.

(PAUL slaps a leaf of the plant with his palm and then with the back of his hand as if challenging an opponent. He strides to a kitchen cupboard, withdraws the plant spray container, and walks to the plant. PAUL continues to speak in a French accent)

PAUL

(cont)

I have tolerated a great deal of your insolence, Monsieur Le Plant, but this time you have gone too far. You have, how shall I say, mistaken kindness for weakness. The time has come to put an end to your impudence, monsieur. Prepare!

(PAUL stands immediately beside the plant and turns his back. He holds the plant spray container at his shoulder, nozzle upward, as if it were a dueling pistol. He lifts his feet high ten times, but is taking very small steps. At his tenth step he stops and turns and stares at the plant. He then walks to it and looks it over)

PAUL

(cont)

Monsieur Le Plant, I think we may be making a big mistake here. We could be useful allies rather than deadly enemies. You help me win the love of the woman I love, and I will provide you with the best nutrients money can buy! You want photosynthesis, right? Then you shall have it! I shall water you with bottled water only and you can suck up all the nutrients through your stems and leaves that you can handle! Here is the plan. (Paul whispers to the plant and then speaks again) Do we have an agreement, Monsieur Le Plant? (Paul shakes a leaf of the plant) Magnifique! But, remember, this is to be our little secret!

(Paul salutes the plant, returns the spray container to the shelf and sits down at the table. Tracy emerges from the bedroom. She walks to the plant and looks it over. She gets out the spray container and stares at the plant after she waters it)

TRACY

Will you look at this! My India rubber plant is a goner. And they're the toughest plant I know of.

(PAUL joins TRACY to stare at the plant)

PAUL

Something tells me you should try giving it less water.

TRACY

I did try less water. And then more water, and less sunlight, and then more sunlight. I turned its leaves to face Mecca, then toward the Vatican. I even tried mouth-to-leaf resuscitation. I practically offered it my body.

PAUL

Did you talk to it?

TRACY

Oh, Paul, for God's sake. Don't tell me you're into talking to plants.

PAUL

Believe me, Tracy, they listen. They know.

TRACY

The plant is dying. It's given up. I've given up. I'll get a new one, OK?

(PAUL holds TRACY and stares hard at her)

PAUL

It's alive, Tracy. The plant is alive. Isn't life important too?

TRACY

Oh, sweet Jesus. It's dying! Do I have to die with it? Is that what you want?

(PAUL moves TRACY downstage away from the plant and lowers his voice)

PAUL

Look. Plants know what's going on. I'm telling you. Me. Paul Wacko Wilson. Nine out of ten sick plants can be saved by a bit of pleasant conversation and soft music. But there's always one out of ten (glances toward the plant) that wants to be a hardass. So you don't use the carrot. You use the stick. You see what I'm saying?

TRACY

Are you serious? It's a lowly plant.

PAUL

Shhh. Don't add insult to injury. That only works with the Philodendron. This one...(lowers his voice still more) we've got to threaten! And I mean scare the hell out of it!

TRACY

Paul, I've-

PAUL

Tracy, we can save this plant's life in one minute. One!

TRACY

Paul-

PAUL

Trust me, OK? I'll take full responsibility. OK?

TRACY

...OK. OK. One minute. Not one second more.

(PAUL gently guides her to a chair and sits beside her. HE speaks softly)

PAUL

Now, here's what we'll do.

(As PAUL outlines his plan in a voice too low for the audience to hear, HE and TRACY occasionally glance at the plant and then face each other. TRACY finally nods her head in reluctant agreement. SHE quietly enters the bathroom and closes the door. PAUL runs to the window)

PAUL

(to the plant)

Not one word!

TRACY (O.S.)

Now?

PAUL

Not yet!

(HE runs again to the window, sees what he's been waiting for, then sits in a chair near the plant and picks up the newspaper and begins to read)

PAUL

(urgent whisper)

OK! Now!

(After several seconds, the bathroom door slowly opens. TRACY peeks out and stares in PAUL's direction. SHE slowly emerges and it becomes clear that SHE is holding a large knife in her hand. SHE moves stealthily into the living room with the knife)

(Mike appears in the outer hallway, walking toward the door. HE holds a bouquet of roses in one hand. HE steps over a garbage bag and stops in front of the living room door. HE raises his hand to knock)

(TRACY raises the knife, screams and rushes toward the plant)

TRACY

Arrrrgggghhhh! You ungrateful bastard! I've done everything for you and you won't even try!

(PAUL jumps up and blocks TRACY's path. THEY struggle as PAUL attempts to restrain her)

PAUL

Tracy, No! Put the knife down! That won't solve anything!

TRACY

I'll kill the son-of-a-bitch!

PAUL

For God's sake, give it another chance. Don't kill it!

(Mike, arms still extended to knock, is standing completely immobilized, mouth agape)

PAUL (cont)

It's only a baby. You can't kill it! Please! Stop it!

TRACY

Get out of my way, Paul, or you'll get it, too.

PAUL

Please don't kill it! Drop the knife! Please!

(TRACY and PAUL continue their struggle. TRACY is moving closer to the plant. Her hand with the knife is poised above the plant but PAUL is holding onto her wrist)

TRACY

Let me kill the son-of-a-bitch!

PAUL

It's only a baby! Nooo!

(TRACY stabs it)

PAUL

(cont)

Oh, my God! You stabbed it!

(Mike drops the flowers, and moves away from the door. As he does so, he trips over the garbage bag and sprawls on the floor of the hallway. HE painfully picks himself up then bolts down the hallway offstage i.e. back outside)

(PAUL and TRACY stand and stare at the plant with the knife through it)

PAUL

You weren't really supposed to stab it, you know.

TRACY

I'm sorry. I got carried away. I’ve been a bit down lately. I guess I took it out on the plant.

PAUL

I thought we agreed we were only going to scare it.

(TRACY lights a cigarette and sits down. SHE pours herself a bit of PAUL's whiskey and takes a drink)

TRACY

So I'll turn myself in, all right? You're the type who likes getting back to nature. Maybe down deep I'm the type who likes getting back at nature. Anyway, you may be right: Plants aren't stupid. They usually respond to affection.

PAUL

(aside to himself)

I would too if she tried me.

TRACY

But I guess I got excited and went too far.

PAUL

(aside to himself)

But never with me, damn it!

PAUL

(looking over the plant again)

So you stabbed it...looks to me like the soil needs changing.

TRACY

Maybe we should end its suffering and practice euthanasia?

PAUL

No! Anyway, with India rubber plants it's called euthanIndia.

(Tracy stubs out her cigarette, finishes the whiskey in her glass, and stands up)

TRACY

OK, if you’re taking me to dinner, let’s go.

PAUL

(PAUL opens the door and notices the flowers. HE picks them up and smells them)

PAUL

(cont)

Hey, look at this. Somebody left roses on our doorstep.

(TRACY doesn't even bother to look)

TRACY

That's New York for you. People hear you abused your plant they want you to abuse their plants too. But just because I abuse my own plant doesn't mean anybody can leave his plants here to be abused.

PAUL (turning)

Oh, just a second, I forgot to turn off the light.

(Paul reenters the apartment, stands in front of the plant, stands at strict attention and gives it a quick but smart salute, then exits to join Tracy.)

BLACKOUT

THE END