At rise. Four adults are standing upstage - a young man, a man in early middle age, a middle-aged woman and a transvestite.
The WOMAN is dressed conservatively, is very proper in appearance and demeanor and is wearing a kitchen apron. She looks as if she's just stepped out of the kitchen where she must have been baking cookies.
The MIDDLE AGED MAN is dressed in studded leather and cowboy boots and hat or a leather-and-levis combination and is holding a bullwhip.
The TRANSVESTITE has a purse on her shoulder and a brightly colored feather boa around her neck.
The YOUNG MAN is clean cut, clean shaven and casually dressed, American middle class style, absolutely nothing unusual about him and he is holding a bouquet of flowers.
The WOMAN walks to downstage center and faces the audience. She speaks with a southern accent.
Hi...(wipes her hands with her apron and giggles) Never thought in all my born days I'd be placin' an advertisement in one of these here columns but...the truth is Jedediah - my beloved husband - he died year before last and it gets a bit lonely just bakin' cookies for church socials and leadin' fund drives for the local high school. And some of the girls in my sewin' circle were talkin' after bingo the other night, sayin' as how it was high time I stopped hidin' my light under a bushel basket and reached out for some kind of companionship. And how Jedediah would have wanted me to. Well, anyway, here goes! I'm a single white female and I would like to perform oral sex on a male member of an American Indian tribe between the ages of 19 and 33; preferably Comanche, Apache, Chickasaw or Choctaw. Bein' a God-fearin', Bible-readin' Christian woman, I would prefer you be from a tribe where no gamblin' is allowed; or at least where the roulette table has none of them 'double zeeros' to give the House unfair odds; but, whatever, I would consider performin' on male members of other Native American tribes such as Pawnee, Pequot, Nez Perce, Pueblo, Crow, Creek, Blackfeet, Cherokee, Seminole, Shawnee, Powhatan, Ojibwe-
Navajo, Lakota, Ogala Sioux, Hopi, Shoshone, Kickapoo, Kiowa, Seneca, Cheyenne Arapaho, Mohawk, Suquamish, Shenacossett, Delaware, Miami, Chippewa, Dakota, Menominee, MicMac, Miskitu, Mohave, Mohican, Muscogee, Narragansett, Omaha, Osage, Paiute, Passamaquoddy, Pequot, Potawatomi, Iroquois, Laguna, Lahu, Shoshone, Yaqui...(start over from 'Navajo')
Hi...I'm a dominant white male and my wife is generally submissive; but she can be switchable. I can also be switchable if you're bi, but I'm not bi if you're switchable, unless you're a dominant bi switchable into latex and leather, or a voyeuristically inclined crossdressing female switchable into silk and satin. And bi. In which case my wife is dominant; but not bi. And I get to wear the silk and satin...(snaps his whip) Serious replies only! Anyway, we're both in our early thirties with gym-trained, well-toned hard bodies. We've been in the scene for awhile but we're squeaky clean and expect you to be as well. We also expect you to be non-smoking, discreet, drug and allergy-free. We're in search of an open-minded Asian woman interested in having some fun-filled fantasies realized - whatever's clever sort of stuff. We hope you'll actively participate, but the first time out you might just want to watch until you get your bearings, so to speak. We're open to just about anything or anyone but we would prefer a Chinese female into high heels, stockings, garter belts and lingerie somewhere between postpubescence and premenopausal from either Hangchow or Soochow; Or especially from any city along the Silk Road whose name begins with "K". My wife's a history buff so any woman from a city visited by Marco Polo would be especially welcome. But we would consider tattooed women from Liuchow or women into body piercing from Lanchow or women into body building from Gwangchow or women into rubber from Yangchow or women in general from certain other select cities in China such as Jinchow, Wuchow, Guilin, Shanghai, Beijing, Tienjing, Ch'ungjing, Swatow, Jungshan-
Toi San, Hong Kong, Ao-men, Shuangliao, Nanchang, Shaoxing, Changsha, Foshan, Anyang, Fenyang, Chingyang, Luoyang, Hanyang, Yichang, Tsingdao, Lushun, Boshan, Jining, Hechuan, Leshan, Pingliang, Nenjiang, Tongjiang, Fujin, Huludao, Weihai, Taoan, Jongwei, Yulin...(start over from 'Toi San')
Hi...I'm a pre-op transsexual and I'm in search of-
Pre-op... 'Previous to the operation'.
I haven't had my Nez Perced yet, if you get my drift. And, believe it, Sweetie, unlike your family I'm fully functional. And I'm looking for anyone daring enough to be interested in having the best of both worlds.
The yin and the yang. For those of you swingers who will accept nothing less than both the jetstream AND the gulfstream, I am your dream fantasy come true! Deny yourself no longer. For those nights when you're horny but you're not sure if you want Sally or Sammy - So, hey, go for the Double Whammy! (powders face) As for all of you Guinness Book of Record people, my Big Bamboo measures nine inches erect...Well, maybe not, (points at audience member) but at least it appears on the radar screen which is more than I can say for yours. (powders face) And, I hasten to remind you, fully functional. Rain or shine. Longitude or latitude. Bad-ass with a bad attitude. And I'm in search of anyone of either sex - make that 'any sex' - with astrological and animal signs compatible with mine. That would mean you were born Aquarius during the Year of the Horse or Year of the Snake or Year of the Tiger or born Libran during the Year of the Rat or Year of the Boar or Year of the Pig or Year of the Cock...
Or Cancer born in the Year of the Goat, Year of the Monkey, Year of the Dog, Year of the Snake, or Sagitarius born in the Year of the Rat, Year of the Horse, Year of the Ox, Year of the Tiger, or Peices born in the Year of the Serpent or Year of the Boar or Year of the Goat or Year of the Dragon or Aries born in the Year of the Rabbit, Year of the Horse, Year of the Dog...
Hi...My name is Bob. First time advertiser (fidgets nervously)...Well, it's the old story, I guess. I split up with my girlfriend a few months ago and I'm kind of lonely and I'd really like to meet a nice girl...We could maybe like go out on a date, (briefly holds up flowers) have dinner, that kind of thing, and see if we like each other some. And, if all goes well, we might get more involved. Not that I mean to rush anyone but I am an old-fashioned serious type of person who would like to date with a view toward a long relationship possibly ending in marriage.
And a family. I mean, we could have a home in the suburbs with a real grass lawn and genuine concrete driveway while I build up a business and you become a soccer mom and bake cookies for the local PTA and we raise a house full of kids and a dog or two and...
And the house will smell of kids' urine and dog doo, and the kids'll most likely hate us both and get into drugs...and you'll get bored with me and I'll get bored with you...and no matter how hard I work, the debts will pile up...and we'll lose interest in making love with each other and we'll start lying to each other and start having affairs with others...
And we'll argue in front of the kids and the kids'll cry and you'll shout and throw things and I'll lose my temper and hit you...
And you'll call the police and file for divorce...and we'll both get lawyers...and I'll start drinking heavily and my business will fail...
(with renewed vigor)
Hi, I'm Bob. I'm kinky as hell and I'm in search of a very, very brief relationship. Serious replies only!
Note: The chanting of place names, etc. should sound almost religious. The actors should be bathed in soft spots while they are reciting.
Review of the Babylon Players production of Serious Replies Only by Julie La Beau-bond in North Carolina: "With a sharp, teasing tongue, this playbite, the most concise of the evening's offerings, offers a liberal if not somewhat slanted view of societal norm. Dean Barrett writes witty dialogue that crackles satisfyingly in the mouth."
Copyright 2015 Dean Barrett
No part of this play may be performed or published without written permission from the playwright